Cocooning ...it's not just for caterpillars and butterflies

Wow, just WOW!
I have been following a beautiful family who is currently waiting for the finalization paperwork to go pick up their new daughter in China. They have been on the roller coaster ride for over a year and they are almost there! She shared a blog this morning about cocooning her family when they return so that they could learn to build and strengthen the bond that they are beginning together.  I am in awe at her grace and confidence in asking for help in a different way than what we may think. The help she is asking for is patience and understanding.  The type of help that I can understand...

Although Ben and I are not adoptive parents, we are temporary parents to children who come to our home needing a safe place to heal from the hard places that they have been. As foster parents, we also feel the need to cocoon our family after a placement and during difficult patches. Sometimes it is for the child and sometimes it is for us.

While reading this blog, I began to think about where we are. We have a wonderful support group of friends, family and community members who have loved on us and supported us since the beginning. There have been many times where we have felt the need wrap our family together and cocoon. Either as additional love or to protect. Each time it has become very emotional and draining, but very needed.  I know that "our people" see this but may not understand what is happening or why we may seem to shut them out.

This blog exposes the truth behind cocooning and why it is necessary and used in adoptive and foster families.  I wish I had the words to express this to our loved ones in the beginning, but I am thankful that the author was able to now.

Please take a moment to read this blog. I feel that everyone knows someone who is pouring everything they have into a child or children who are hurting and from hard places. Love them even when they shut you out. Its not because they don't want you, because they really need you. They need you to have patience and understanding. To help show others how to be patient and understanding.

You can find the blog here.

http://www.northrup.org/photos/cocoon/

"Best Mom is the Whole Wide World!"

Yep, you heard that right!!

Yesterday after picking up Addison from school, we chatted about the day and what she learned. Turns out the same everyday.... "hmmm, I can't remember."  Great, 8 hours at school, learning, playing, reading, writing..and she can't remember.  So, I began asking probing questions trying to get anything out of her. I gave up and we rode in silence for the the 15 minutes it takes to get to the daycare where the other children are.

As we pull in, park and get out of the car, Addison shouts at the top of her lungs... "YOUR THE BEST MOM IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!" At this point, all I see and hear is my child screaming in the middle of the parking lot and other people turning and looking. My instant reaction was to fuss at her and correct her behavior...but as I was turning to say something, I truly heard what she said.  My heart skipped and I believe stopped working for a second as I tried to gather my "stop the screaming in public before you are embarrassed" mommy mode brain.  "Addison, why do you think that?" I asked her. "Because you are," she replied as she skipped up to the door of the building not noticing me completely dumbfounded behind her.

I don't understand it. How can she think that? Can she REALLY believe that? I am the mom who feels like she is desperately trying to keep her head above the water. The mom who is so tired of schedules and organizing healthy meals and activities that she wants to throw in the towel some days. The mom who on some days, doesn't want to make the effort to bathe her children. The mom who at the end of the day, looks forward to bedtime so that she can sit in the silence that takes over the house when the children are sleeping. The mom who forgoes a shower just so she can get in bed sooner. How can I be the best mom in the world?

The best mom in the world has her stuff together. The best mom in the world always smiles, always laughs at her children's made up jokes even when they are NOT funny. The best mom in the world takes a shower everyday, wakes up early and makes breakfast, irons her husbands clothes (putting them in the dryer doesn't count) and the best mom in the world can schedule and organize everyone's activities and still have a well balanced meal at the end of the day where EVERYONE sits together and shares there day.  I AM NOT the best mom in the world by those standards.

A dear friend of mine said something to me a few weeks ago that has really stuck in my heart. She said that as moms, we beat ourselves up based on our expectations for ourselves. We are critical, and abusive and frequently find ourselves undeserving of the job we have because we don't meet the HIGH expectations that we have set for ourselves.  I have been chewing on that information for a few days trying to figure out how to change my expectations and become a mom that my children want to be around and maybe one day be a mom that I can be proud of. A mom who pushes through even when she wants to sit in a quiet room all day. A mom who understands that it is OK to neglect the pile of unfolded clothes on the couch because she chose to play with her children. A mom who laughs with her children at the dinner table even if they are eating peanut butter sandwiches for the third time that week. A mom who in the midst of exhaustion, is found perfect and wanted by her children.

Turns out, I am...    I am the best mom in HER whole wide world!

You're Right... You Can't

Before Christmas, our family said "see ya later" to our first Foster Child(FC). After 7 months in our home, he transitioned into an adoptive family. There have been so many emotions since then. Joy, sadness, excitement and worry have all entered our home. It is an amazing experience to watch God's plans unfold before your eyes. Plans that I never would have thought possible.

He gave us this baby boy to love and protect, to teach and to grow...then asked us to wait. To wait for him to work. For seven months we waited, loved, protected and taught. Then he revealed his plan in the most beautiful way! 

Not only did he bring forth a loving family for our sweet FC, he called  a family from our church. A family who was there from the very beginning of our journey. A family who has been our support and encouragement through this whole experience, and for months, never knew that God was setting them up to be his forever family.

What an amazing God we have! When our paths are dark and uncertain, he is there to guide you through, help you open your eyes and see the beauty he has placed along the way. 

Ever since we decided to become foster parents, we have heard the statement 999,999 times...."I could never be a foster parent." Many times the person is referring to how difficult it would be to say goodbye, having no control over decisions made by courts, or worrying if they will be safe if/when they leave your home. All are perfectly amazing examples of what makes being a foster parent difficult. 

They are right to feel that they couldn't do it....because they can't. 

You can't do this alone... you can't say "good bye" to a child that you have loved as your own...you can't wash, fold, and pack their bag for the last time...you can't dodge around the corner at church because if he sees you, he won't understand...you can't wait weeks for him to adjust with his new family before you can see him again...

But... Our ALMIGHTY GOD CAN! That is the ONLY way that this is possible.

I can't tell you how grateful I am to see his smiling face squished up next to his Mommy and Daddy's smiling faces in weekly pictures! I can't tell you how grateful I am to hear the joy in his family's voices when they talk to and about him! In the seven months he lived in our home, there were MANY days I felt that I "just can't." Now I know, HE can and HE will.

"And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known. I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things that I do, and I do not forsake them." - Isaiah 42:16

Building Layers

Today is my birthday and I am one of those people who LOVE it when it is their birthday! I wake up feeling special, excited, and happy that this is the day that I celebrate my life. 

Birthdays are important... No other day do you celebrate your life, you being on this planet, the day that God placed his breath into your lungs.

I woke up this morning with pure peace and happiness. I am so thankful for the life that God has blessed me with. I thought about my husband, who I love more now than I did yesterday; my children who were entrusted to me; my parents who made me who I am; my sisters who I grew up with; my family and friends who have shaped me. Each and everyone of them make me smile and happy. I am so thankful for the people who helped guide me a strengthen me. 

I decided to make lasagna for tonight's Home Church and birthday dinner. While I was making the amazing deliciousness, I was hit with many memories from my childhood. Specifically, one of my mom making Lasagna.

 As an adult, I have alway gone with the quick "oven-ready" noodles, not the ones you have to boil then layer. Who has time for that? But, tonight, I wanted to do it differently.

 As I was draining the noodles and cooking the sauce, I visioned my Mama standing over her stove with her HUGE silver pot full of sauce and another HUGE pot of noodles. I remember sitting at the kitchen table with my two sisters or standing around the island waiting for her to start putting the layers together for her lasagna. We LOVED when Mama made lasagna! As soon as she would start putting the layers together, we would  watch for any fragment of broken noodle that we could swipe. Torn noodles were the prize on lasagna night!  As soon as one was spotted, it was snatched up.  The best part about Mama's lasagna wasn't the lasagna itself...although it is pretty darn good! It was being able to dunk your broken and torn noodle pieces into the left over sauce. I'm not sure why it tasted soooo dang good! It was like crack! We would eat like we were never going to eat anything else again, all this even though we know we are going to eat the whole lasagna in less than an  hour. But still we stood and waited for the torn pieces to dip in the pot of tomatoey heaven. 

As I created the layers on my lasagna tonight I found myself still looking for the torn pieces of noodles. I did save them and wish incredibly hard that I could share that with my two sisters and mom. I was not able to tonight, but I am so thankful that I have those memories. And just for them, I called Addison into the kitchen to share with her the best part of lasagna. 

Here's to you Mama! Thank you for teaching me to make lasagna, and most importantly... Building layers of memories!

Answering the Tough Questions

 

We knew we would get them, we knew they would come at random times, we knew that no matter how many times we explained it, some wouldn't understand. 

When Ben and I first decide to be foster parents about a year ago, we wanted to make sure that we were able to answer the hard questions ourselves before others started asking them. We wanted to be able to answer them for us... So we knew that our hearts and God's plan were in line together.  After months of sitting, praying, crying, and laughing, we felt that we had the answers we were looking for. We had our answer to any "tough" question that anyone could/would throw at us.

As soon as we made it public knowledge of our family's mission, we were surrounded with support, love and strength of family and friends. Although they had questions and concerns, we instantly felt their support and love.  When they started asking the tough questions that we knew were coming, we felt at ease and ready to answer. Our responses were fluid and we felt confident in our choice.

I was surprised at how many times we would be asked these same questions over the next several months...not from family and friends, but complete strangers or people who barely knew us. It's not like I didn't want to share God's calling for my family or the desperate need our county was in, but I started feeling like our perfect little support system was getting cracked by doubt.  I know that people are curious and may not understand this process, but if felt like our answers to their questions weren't good enough for them. The just didn't UNDERSTAND.

So, to the people who don't understand why we are a Foster Family...

(I promise, these are real questions that we have been asked by others)

"Why don't you just have another baby?"

We are not fostering to make our family bigger, we are fostering to provide a safe place for children to be loved until their family can get the support they need.

But, what was going through my head was...

"Hmmmm, no offense... Been there, done that...twice." 

"But what about your own children, how will they deal with it?" 

What better way to teach them to love all God's children than to show them. 

Our daughter is completely aware (as far as a 5 year old is concerned) what fostering is. She is so happy and excited to be part of God's plan.  Our son, will grow up knowing nothing else. 

"Aren't you busy enough?"

Yes, we are busy. We both work full time and we have two young children. But when God speaks and calls you to be a part of his plan, you jump!  We are still busy, but God has given us peace and comfort that we cling to daily.

"How can you love someone else's child the same way you love yours?" 

There is no greater feeling than being loved like you were created to be loved. This is not a favorites game, this is digging deep and showing love and kindness to God's children who need it most. My children have gone their whole lives knowing that they are loved and wanted. Some children have never felt that. My children know they are safe. Some children never have felt that. 

This is not about loving them equally, it's about loving. Period. 

"Aren't you afraid of what what type of child you will get?" 

Honestly, yes. That was a major question that we faced when we first chose to foster. We have two very young and impressionable children, they needed to be safe. But we also know that this was still not a reason to walk away for our family's calling. We completely rely on God in his plan. He knows the children that will be placed in our home and I will put all my faith in him. 

I have saved the most frequently asked question for last....

"How could you ever give these children back?" 

I understand this question and why people ask it. 

As parents, our worst fear is something happening to our children. We would do anything to protect them. We become this protective force shield that keeps our precious children within our reach. They are OURS. That isn't the case with foster children, they are not ours. Never were to begin with... They have parents and family who feel the same way about them as we do our biological ones. Ideally, they will eventually go back to their parents.  I know this is hard to accept, understand or agree with. The foster care system is designed to help families reunify, not permantly seperate. A foster home should be a safe place for the children to have temporary care, support and love while their parents are getting the help they need. I know that there are many arguments that can branch off from that statement, but that is how it should work in the ideal situation and that could be a completely seperate post ;-) 

But going into foster care knowing in our hearts and minds that our calling was only to foster, helped us keep our hearts and focus on the ultimate goal of reunification.

Adoption is not an option in our family's mission at this point.  Our mission is to hold the children who come into our home and look into their eyes and tell them.... 

"You are wanted, you are safe, you are loved."

• 1 Corinthians 13:13
  And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
  
  

  • 1 John 4:8

    Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
    
    

• 
  

Pulling the Weeds

This is the view that the ugly weeds see as I am pulling them out if the ground. They are perfectly happy multiplying in my yard, and making this spotty mess of multi-colored green. I am less than thrilled about the appearance of them. 

The problem with this weed is that it is difficult to see. It entangles and webs and weaves it's way through the healthy beautiful grass around it. It uses the healthy grass as protection and slowly chokes it out until it can take up the space. For weeks I have been driving into our driveway and cringing when I see the lavish and evil weeds that are slowly taking up my once beautiful yard. And for weeks, I pull in the garage and go inside. "Out of sight, out of mind" right? I started making excuses about why they could stay, why we shouldn't do anything about it. "Everyone else in the neighborhood has them, we can't afford to hire someone to kill them, it would take too long to pull them... " the list goes on and on. We even tried to pull them one day... For about 10 minutes....then gave up. I even called a local company, set up a time for them to come assess the job, but canceled the appointment because I knew it was going to end up a financial burden on our family. I had gotten to the point of just accepting these ugly weeds as new members of our family...you know the ones I'm talking about. The ones that no one likes to be around, but there is nothing you can do about them.

Then today, I walk outside and see my sweet patient husband kneeling in the grass pulling the evil things from our grass. Here he is in the middle of this spotted lawn pulling tiny weeds, a job that would take forever. After making sure he knew how LONG it was going to take him, his only comment was "you don't have to pull them." Never once stopping. Of course, I got on my hands and knees and started pulling... Yes, complaining the whole time. Looking up every few minutes and seeing him still pulling and his pile of weeds getting bigger and bigger.

As I was pulling ... And complaining, I realized that this was a lot like my life right now and possibly many others' as well. 

We are all faced with this ugly evil that starts out as a seed that embeds itself into healthy, lush, growing Christian lives, and eventually begins to take over in many different ways. Drama, lies, money, greed, selfishness, hate, etc. We start to notice that these "weeds" are slowly taking over. But we keep pulling in the garage and going inside to continue on with your life, hoping that no one else notices. It is often hard to stop life and pull these "weeds" because it will take too much time, be a  financial burden , or that we don't know what spot to start pulling first.

This past year has been full of so much joy and happiness. We were growing spiritually, emotionally, and four months ago our family grew physically. Our family "lawn" was lush and beautiful. Although it is still lush and beautiful, there are more "weeds" that I have noticed lately. Selfishness, doubt, and worry. 

Being a mom is hard. Being a mom, wife, daughter, granddaughter, friend, teacher, and trying to grow your relationship with our loving God seems impossible sometimes. This is when the "weeds" start webbing their way and starting to choke out the good and healthy.

It wasn't until I saw my husband drop down and start pulling right where he was, grabbing the first weed that he came to. Why shouldn't we do that with our own personal "weeds?"  It doesn't matter where we start, just start pulling. Eventually, your pile of weeds will get bigger and your lawn will be healthier.

Spring has Sprung!

The South is such a beautiful sight in the spring. Grass turns this amazing green, flowers start blooming and the beauty that God created is transformed into a new dimension. Spring symbolizes new birth, new life, change and new chances. Spring is so many things.
In the Smith House MANY things have changed. ...

We have been in Brunswick for a full year now and are completely in love with the area, our friends, jobs and church. God knew what he was doing last year when moving to Glynn County became an open door that we were terrified to walk through. He has held our hand and guided every step of our journey to make such beautiful memories. His timing is impeccable, and  astonishing. I look back on our year here and become overwhelmed with the ways in which God has guided us through his plan.

Addison is finishing up her Pre-K year....completely insane that she is old enough to do this! She will start kindergarten in the Fall. She is so incredibly smart, charming and beautiful. I can't wait to see where her path leads her.

Asa has grown from being a little baby into a full blown toddler! He doesn't stop talking, running, climbing, squealing, eating....the list will go on FOREVER! He had developed a beautiful personality that is charming and lovable. He has a tender heart and is in love with his family, especially Addison. He is speaking in cute choppy sentences and uses the cutest hand gestures and facial expressions. He still loves to snuggle and give lots of hugs and kisses. He recently learned how to hunt Easter Eggs for the first time!

We decided that we loved living here so much that we decided to buy a house!! 

When we thought that it couldn't get any better, I found out that I will be transferring to the same school Addison will attend!! We will start next school year together, WOOHOO!! 

I look forward to MANY more years to come!