Cocooning ...it's not just for caterpillars and butterflies

Wow, just WOW!
I have been following a beautiful family who is currently waiting for the finalization paperwork to go pick up their new daughter in China. They have been on the roller coaster ride for over a year and they are almost there! She shared a blog this morning about cocooning her family when they return so that they could learn to build and strengthen the bond that they are beginning together.  I am in awe at her grace and confidence in asking for help in a different way than what we may think. The help she is asking for is patience and understanding.  The type of help that I can understand...

Although Ben and I are not adoptive parents, we are temporary parents to children who come to our home needing a safe place to heal from the hard places that they have been. As foster parents, we also feel the need to cocoon our family after a placement and during difficult patches. Sometimes it is for the child and sometimes it is for us.

While reading this blog, I began to think about where we are. We have a wonderful support group of friends, family and community members who have loved on us and supported us since the beginning. There have been many times where we have felt the need wrap our family together and cocoon. Either as additional love or to protect. Each time it has become very emotional and draining, but very needed.  I know that "our people" see this but may not understand what is happening or why we may seem to shut them out.

This blog exposes the truth behind cocooning and why it is necessary and used in adoptive and foster families.  I wish I had the words to express this to our loved ones in the beginning, but I am thankful that the author was able to now.

Please take a moment to read this blog. I feel that everyone knows someone who is pouring everything they have into a child or children who are hurting and from hard places. Love them even when they shut you out. Its not because they don't want you, because they really need you. They need you to have patience and understanding. To help show others how to be patient and understanding.

You can find the blog here.

http://www.northrup.org/photos/cocoon/

"Best Mom is the Whole Wide World!"

Yep, you heard that right!!

Yesterday after picking up Addison from school, we chatted about the day and what she learned. Turns out the same everyday.... "hmmm, I can't remember."  Great, 8 hours at school, learning, playing, reading, writing..and she can't remember.  So, I began asking probing questions trying to get anything out of her. I gave up and we rode in silence for the the 15 minutes it takes to get to the daycare where the other children are.

As we pull in, park and get out of the car, Addison shouts at the top of her lungs... "YOUR THE BEST MOM IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!" At this point, all I see and hear is my child screaming in the middle of the parking lot and other people turning and looking. My instant reaction was to fuss at her and correct her behavior...but as I was turning to say something, I truly heard what she said.  My heart skipped and I believe stopped working for a second as I tried to gather my "stop the screaming in public before you are embarrassed" mommy mode brain.  "Addison, why do you think that?" I asked her. "Because you are," she replied as she skipped up to the door of the building not noticing me completely dumbfounded behind her.

I don't understand it. How can she think that? Can she REALLY believe that? I am the mom who feels like she is desperately trying to keep her head above the water. The mom who is so tired of schedules and organizing healthy meals and activities that she wants to throw in the towel some days. The mom who on some days, doesn't want to make the effort to bathe her children. The mom who at the end of the day, looks forward to bedtime so that she can sit in the silence that takes over the house when the children are sleeping. The mom who forgoes a shower just so she can get in bed sooner. How can I be the best mom in the world?

The best mom in the world has her stuff together. The best mom in the world always smiles, always laughs at her children's made up jokes even when they are NOT funny. The best mom in the world takes a shower everyday, wakes up early and makes breakfast, irons her husbands clothes (putting them in the dryer doesn't count) and the best mom in the world can schedule and organize everyone's activities and still have a well balanced meal at the end of the day where EVERYONE sits together and shares there day.  I AM NOT the best mom in the world by those standards.

A dear friend of mine said something to me a few weeks ago that has really stuck in my heart. She said that as moms, we beat ourselves up based on our expectations for ourselves. We are critical, and abusive and frequently find ourselves undeserving of the job we have because we don't meet the HIGH expectations that we have set for ourselves.  I have been chewing on that information for a few days trying to figure out how to change my expectations and become a mom that my children want to be around and maybe one day be a mom that I can be proud of. A mom who pushes through even when she wants to sit in a quiet room all day. A mom who understands that it is OK to neglect the pile of unfolded clothes on the couch because she chose to play with her children. A mom who laughs with her children at the dinner table even if they are eating peanut butter sandwiches for the third time that week. A mom who in the midst of exhaustion, is found perfect and wanted by her children.

Turns out, I am...    I am the best mom in HER whole wide world!

You're Right... You Can't

Before Christmas, our family said "see ya later" to our first Foster Child(FC). After 7 months in our home, he transitioned into an adoptive family. There have been so many emotions since then. Joy, sadness, excitement and worry have all entered our home. It is an amazing experience to watch God's plans unfold before your eyes. Plans that I never would have thought possible.

He gave us this baby boy to love and protect, to teach and to grow...then asked us to wait. To wait for him to work. For seven months we waited, loved, protected and taught. Then he revealed his plan in the most beautiful way! 

Not only did he bring forth a loving family for our sweet FC, he called  a family from our church. A family who was there from the very beginning of our journey. A family who has been our support and encouragement through this whole experience, and for months, never knew that God was setting them up to be his forever family.

What an amazing God we have! When our paths are dark and uncertain, he is there to guide you through, help you open your eyes and see the beauty he has placed along the way. 

Ever since we decided to become foster parents, we have heard the statement 999,999 times...."I could never be a foster parent." Many times the person is referring to how difficult it would be to say goodbye, having no control over decisions made by courts, or worrying if they will be safe if/when they leave your home. All are perfectly amazing examples of what makes being a foster parent difficult. 

They are right to feel that they couldn't do it....because they can't. 

You can't do this alone... you can't say "good bye" to a child that you have loved as your own...you can't wash, fold, and pack their bag for the last time...you can't dodge around the corner at church because if he sees you, he won't understand...you can't wait weeks for him to adjust with his new family before you can see him again...

But... Our ALMIGHTY GOD CAN! That is the ONLY way that this is possible.

I can't tell you how grateful I am to see his smiling face squished up next to his Mommy and Daddy's smiling faces in weekly pictures! I can't tell you how grateful I am to hear the joy in his family's voices when they talk to and about him! In the seven months he lived in our home, there were MANY days I felt that I "just can't." Now I know, HE can and HE will.

"And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known. I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things that I do, and I do not forsake them." - Isaiah 42:16