It's the moments like today that make me really sit back and embrace God's love and mercy. To truly attempt to comprehend the magnitude of his desire for our hearts.
Our year started out by gathering our two children back into our arms that we had shared with two different children for nearly two years through foster care. We began the year eager to pour everything we had into them; to help them see that they weren't forgotten. That even when our walls were crumbling, we saw them.
Since January, we have worked on healing our family. We have always worried that fostering would affect our children and we have tried to be very mindful of their emotional state. Over the past months we have come to discover that fostering HAS affected our children.
During our placements, we watched them both and tried to be sure they were both feeling loved and supported. We watched as they had to share their belongings, rooms, clothes, and parents. We watched as they were told "Not right now." "I can't." "After I finish helping ___." "I need you to be patient." "we don't have time." The list goes on forever. We watched them sit quietly during a meltdown of another child, we watched them walk out of the room during a meltdown because it was now a regular occurrence. We watched their confusion when we were sad and heartbroken over news or lack of news. We watched them try to process these emotions and attempted to help guide them. But how do you guide a child when you can't even guide yourself?
I began to pray. I PRAYED. I prayed HARD that God would teach us how to guide them. But I still felt like they were lost and confused.
It wasn't until recently that I learned how fostering really affected our children... and they never will be the same.
This week I saw them welcome a new emergency placement with a hug and a smile. I see them offer their toys to ease the hurt of being bounced around once again. I see them make the beds for these children so they feel welcome and loved. I see them read stories each night before bed. I see them look to them with wonder and amazement as they teach them silly songs while I'm fixing plates for dinner. I see them all snuggle together on the couch during a breathing treatment so that they don't feel left out and I see the them holding hands at the dinner table while praying.
I am seeing all this and learning that during the hard times when I "just couldn't" or "can't right now" God was there holding them and whispering in their ears that "they matter too." That "they are loved too." In the moments of chaos, he was there holding their hand telling them it will pass. In those moments he was teaching them how to love. He was teaching them how to show grace. He was teaching them how to give. He was teaching them how to grow.
I have learned that that foster care does affect who our children become. Our children have had to open their hearts and their lives to strangers and have done so graciously and compassionately. They have learned at a young age about the inequity of life; that things aren't fair and that children sometimes suffer at the hands of others who are suppose to care for them.
They HAVE been affected by being intricately involved in our family's foster care mission. In fact, IT, through God, is shaping who they will one day become.
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11
